How I helped my mother divorce my abusive father
A very controlling father very much overshadowed the childhood of my siblings and I. He would beat each of us for any minor issue. This dominating attitude also affected my mother too. Often she was beaten and lead a very downtrodden life. My father would control all the family finances. Always paying the bills, but not letting anyone else know the financial status of the family. He was unemployed all of my childhood, sleeping most of the day. This was the norm. My mother took care of us kids, and we all kept distant from my father, not knowing what he would do next.
Although this lifestyle was very challenging, it was what we were used to, and was the norm for us. We just accepted it and got on with life. Mum was Mum, and Dad was Dad. Living in fear when growing up is awful, and no child should have to go through it.
Over time, we all grew up and had children of our own. Always saying to ourselves, we would never allow our children to be treated as we were treated.
Mum and Dad were celebrating (in the loosest sense of the word), their 37th wedding anniversary, so against the norm, I posted a photo of them on Facebook, wishing them all the best.
My cousin commented on the photo in what I thought were the most horrendous words ever. He called my father a pedophile and said that he had sexually abused his sister. This shocked me and everyone else who read it. I didn’t have a high opinion of my father, but I didn’t think he had ever gone that low.
I called my cousin as soon as I could. He explained that my father had been sexually abusing my cousin throughout her childhood. She had never said a word about it for her entire life, never wanting to cause a problem, assuming it was her fault.
With all this uproar, it then came out that my step-sister had also been abused. She also kept it quiet, not wanting to cause trouble for my mum, whom she assumed would be beaten again.
When my mum was confronted with this news, she broke down. She never knew any of this had happened. Abused as a child herself, she had perhaps not noticed, or ignored any tell-tale signs, that she should have picked up on.
My brother and I insisted my dad move out of the family home immediately. He really went off the rails then and ended up in the hospital for mental health issues.
These events finally motivated my mum to seek a divorce. A woman who had put up with so much throughout their marriage was finally spurred to rid herself of a man who had bullied her most of her life.
My mum who was never the strongest of women didn’t have the confidence to do anything for herself. She spoke of divorce but couldn’t quite get around to enquire with a solicitor.
I decided to take matters into my own hands and contacted a friend who I knew was involved in a divorce organisation.
I took my mum to Divorce Negotiator and stayed with her for that first meeting. In a very relaxed environment, over a cup of tea, we explained what had gone on. We explained how mum now wanted an urgent divorce.
The people at Divorce Negotiator were very sympathetic and explained how to proceed to get a divorce in the shortest time possible. Mum was still a mess, but with their’s and my help, we filed for divorce.
Knowing he was on slippery ground; my father didn’t contest the divorce. I would take forms to him and tell him where to sign. He would sign everything I put in front of him. He did protest about their possessions and the little bit of savings they had but soon agreed to split it in favour of my mum when I mentioned what he had put our family through.
Our family no longer have any contact with my dad. The divorce is nearly complete now. My mum is now a reformed character. She did initially feel lonely, but now her confidence has grown massively. She is now in control of her finances, doing better at work and making new friends. She was even asked out on a date by a guy she met. She declined, but it did give her a huge boost.
As for my dad, well, he lives elsewhere, on his own, still receiving help for mental health issues. He has never been charged with the abuse he inflicted on my family. Perhaps one day, when her children are old enough to understand, my sister and cousin may have the strength to go to the police.