The Rise of the Divorce Bully
It has been increasingly common for one party in divorce to try to intimidate the other. Often this bullying starts early in the marriage, and slowly increases, as the bully gets away with more. All marriages begin with the hope of an equal loving relationship, but often one spouse decides they want the upper hand. Depending on how successfully they get their own way, will decide how far their bullying will go. Within the marriage, the following are issues that often occur:
Lying about previous events to make you look bad
Doesn’t let you keep your salary
Tightly monitors all your spending
Is abusive if you question their actions
Keeps all large assets in their name
Takes out loans in your name
Doesn't contribute to household chores
Attempting to isolate you from friends and family.
When the marriage does come to an end, a common reason is that one party in the relationship has become over domineering. Often, after years of bullying, the victim will finally say 'enough is enough' and start divorce proceedings.
Bullying is likely to come to a head during the divorce. The bullying partner will fear they are losing the control they once had. This will add to the nastiness in one last attempt to regain that control. The bullying techniques you can expect:
Threatening to, or withholding access to children.
Threatening to withhold finances.
Harassment with offensive communication or social media content.
Ultimatums which put fear in you
Bullies habitually operate by playing on the fears of their victims. Unfortunately, there are few people who know more about you and your fears than an ex-partner. However, you will also know how they operate, and how your divorce bully may use tiny issues to create a large issue.
Carol Sullivan of Divorce Negotiator Ltd offers the following advice on how to deal with a divorce bully:
"You might think that reasoning with your divorce bully to bring them to their senses will work. Wrong! The bully is usually unconcerned with you or the children’s well-being. All that matters is that they regain control of what they feel is an out-of-control situation – by intimidation. The following things do not work with a bully, but will only encourage their actions.
Attempts of reasoning – a bully will attempt to twist your responses to use against you
Trying to set the record straight – the facts do not matter to a bully
Showing signs of weakness or vulnerability – bullies only prey on the weak"
Set boundaries
Bullies tend to bully those who they think are weaker than themselves. This is mainly due to their own insecurities. They will attempt to cross any personal boundary. Unfortunately, a divorce bully knows you better than most, they know your personal boundaries. So when going through the divorce process, it is important to set and maintain boundaries. For example, if your ex keeps coming to your home unannounced, let them know clearly that this is not acceptable. If it continues, keep a record of every occurrence. This can be used by your legal representative or even in a restraining order if it goes too far.
Show strength
You have everything to lose by remaining passive so, stand up to the bully or let us stand up to them and show them you’re not going to be intimidated by them anymore.
Know when to rise above it
Some things a bully does, do not deserve a reaction. Evaluate what is at stake and ask yourself will matter in a year from now?
pick your battles wisely
A bully is an insecure person.
Inside that mouthy individual is a small person unsure of themselves. Remember this and you won’t see them as ‘scary’ or intimidating.
Keep a record
Always keep a dated record of the bully’s threats or disturbing behaviour in case of having to make a police report or for court documents and ultimately for your own safety.