Past relationship traumas do not mean Valentine's Day is lost forever, says expert
As another Valentine's Day approaches, this time of year can be harder for some than others.
Behind the loved-up messages, bunches of flowers and romantic meals for two, lie a layer of people who, through no fault of their own, may still be struggling to come to terms with a traumatic relationship history.
For these people, Valentine's Day can be something looming on the horizon - not a day to show how much they cherish their life partner.
Danny Greaves, The Trauma Expert explains:
"Valentine's Day can be a challenge for those who have been through a recent split and/or those suffering from past relationship trauma. The good news is that doesn't mean they should give up on finding the perfect partner.
"This time of year probably amplifies the pain they're feeling, but, for those who are still trying to cope with a relationship that has gone sour, it's important that they try and remain positive about the future.
Danny explains that whilst trauma can manifest in different ways, his T.R.A.U.M.A acronym might be helpful for those who feel they need some support to work through their challenges when it comes to romance:
T - be aware of Triggers that might affect you around this time of year or topic
R - note if you often feel Resentful in or of certain romantic situations or with certain people
A - do you often find yourself on Alert, anticipating negative moments?
U - remember that each situation and interaction is Unique, as is your response to them
M - do you have a general Mistrust of people’s intentions, particularly in relationships?
A - note if you begin to feel Anxious when discussing a potential situation or ahead of a date
If those factors resonate, Danny has 4 top tips for people struggling with relationship trauma:
- Set clear boundaries - clearly identify what you want and what you expect from the relationship. By getting clear in your own mind what is acceptable and what is not gives you greater certainty on what you’re looking for, and therefore a higher probability of finding it.
- Communicate your boundaries early - once you establish your dating principles and standards it’s important to share them clearly. Even if they may seem obvious, setting clear boundaries and communicating them early sets out your stall and increases the chances of success. This way it’s easy for both individuals to know what the expectations are.
- Be open-minded - we commonly judge ourselves by our highest intentions but judge others on their behaviour. Listening to your intuition about their intentions rather than just their surface actions can help you move past minor niggles or identify red flags early. Being comfortable with knowing every relationship has teething issues and minor difficulties in the early stages.
- Focus on the present - letting go of the pains of the past and remembering just because past relationships didn’t work out, doesn’t mean the next one can’t. Being as present as possible helps to prevent worries from the past holding you back from finding that special someone.
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