“F**ck it, I’ve Been Triggered - Other men might be too!” - How Covid-19 flashbacks inspired daily online men's groups
MenSpeak Men's Group founder Kenny Mammarella-D’cruz was eight years old when his father took a phone call at his family home saying ‘we’re going to come and kill you tonight.’
“My father was declared an enemy of the state by Idi Amin’s Secret Service in 1972. I was the only one who cried. I was an aware child and I knew what was going on.” Kenny says
After a trip to the Theatre last March, Kenny got a phone call from a friend he’d recently been in close contact with who had started displaying Covid-like symptoms. The suggestion was for Kenny to self-isolate.
“Working from home I kept looking out of the window expecting to see the military and hear gunfire. Then I realised that I flashed back to when I was a 7-year old boy in Uganda and we were hiding from the secret service. Covid brought those memories back to the surface”.
Not long after Kenny's isolation, the nation went into its first full lockdown.
“I knew that if I was getting triggered then others might be too. Men typically get into their heads and try to fix things, which can be incredibly isolating. My intention was for men to speak things out and be heard, rather than lash out at others around them, or lash in on themselves with obsessive thinking, depression, and suicidal thoughts, so on the day of the first lockdown I launched the daily MenCheck-In groups”
Kenny noticed something recurring in these groups, men portraying signs of what could be described as post-traumatic stress disorder, flashbacks to earlier trauma triggered by the lockdown, and the unwanted isolation that some group members were living through such as being locked in a room for bad behaviour, being sent to boarding-school, or childhood memories of rejection.
Over the year, there have been thousands of check-ins by men, some of the edge with their families and fearing their reactions, some on their own with dark thoughts and unhealthy behaviours and some in grief having lost a loved one.
Men have said:
“I feel fear, I feel that quite a lot these days. In my body, down my legs and it’s fear, and then sometimes it turns into panic. I think it’s because I don’t feel I can run to anybody or get cuddled and so at the moment I don’t see my pals. I’m finding it incredibly difficult and I weep because I’m longing for things to get back to some semblance of how it used to be.” - Duncan, widower, 72.
“When we first went into lockdown and I could see the gyms were closing and I was getting into a healthy routine I thought f**k I’m going to self destruct” Matthew, 33
“[At first] I was feeling good about things [but] I was also aware of a lot of anxiety and a loss of freedom, and on the days I’ve needed to I’ve checked in and they’ve been real lifesavers because they provided an anchor, and it helped me to check in with other guys” Des, 70
Kenny has been holding men's groups for twenty years, breaking down the stigma that comes with getting men to speak openly, freely and against what some would consider the social norm.
“An hour-long session can flick from just courageous sharing of loss and fear to friendly banter, enabling men to hang out, be heard, and get real. As numbers have grown more trained facilitators now hold smaller break-out rooms, so every man can safely take his space"
In the hope to reach even more men, Kenny wrote a number 1 best-selling ebook: 'Online Men's Group Success: A step-by-step guide to facilitating personal development groups for men' enabling everyone to hold their own groups, and stay safe during lockdown and beyond.
There aren’t just group sessions for men only, in fact, there are multiple different sharing groups; WomenSpeak, MatureMenSpeak, YoungMenSpeak - Each one doing exactly what they say on the tin. Each group creating an environment for people to come together and release the emotional tension held within, exploring their emotional triggers and learning how to better navigate life. Men now realise that they are not alone.
Before lockdown, men daren't admit to their emotional shortcomings - The need for good company, a sense of community, to touch others, to kiss family. As part of the facilitation training, Kenny and his team are preparing for life after lockdown, for the inevitable fall-out due to job loss, financial strains, and struggles for those who have lost loved ones.